Find Your Sunshine

Anyone that knows me, knows that I’d move heaven and earth, by choice, for the ones I love. I remember my smile and how I thought I loved me despite…despite my sadness. I’ve been through a lot, and thought, “God, you can stop testing my strength, I’m strong enough”. But I never knew strength until recently.

In 2016, I decided to make necessary change, change that would turn into reward. I decided to do me! I wasn’t set out to change anyone’s life but my own. I was sick. And although I was a sweetheart, I was sad and felt alone. Bewildered by my sadness and hospitalizations, I was hurting inside. Still doing everything for everyone, I could not pin point for the life of me why I was in quiet pain. Then it came, a quiet hush that rushed through my soul like a loud boom. “I’m awake” I said to myself as I unraveled what was hiding. Everyone’s best friend, everyone’s everything was now standing tall, gazing at herself with immense love. What changed me? Me! I changed me, one day at a time. I became healthy, focused on my prize, the only life I’d been granted. I lost one pound at a time, and with each pound came the strength I yearned and now had. More pounds lost, more happiness gained. For me, it wasn’t about flaunting myself in a smaller size outfit, but the reason that led me to that size. It wasn’t about sharing a story, but writing my own pages. It wasn’t about looking better, but feeling like pure goodness.

I adapted a low carb, eat more often, make it and prep it yourself kind of regime. I wasn’t skeptical, I was determined, hence embarking on my needed desire for change. The rewards that followed this change would prove imancipating. I became free from my sadness, free from my health issues, then came clearer skin, a quiet confidence in that I can do anything. I began to wake up early without an alarm clock in which in the past, I snoozed until it stopped snoozing and I kept snoozing. I set my soul on fire, being easy on myself and moving more. I lost the state of inertia, and gained motion. I was moving along, bouncing off walls, creating new cuisine, and smiling until it hurt. I was less sad, less argumentative, less combative, less ugly inside.  Less is more.  I was moving my body differently, glowing, and oozed of life. I was in love. In love with my humbled yet strong calm, I became me. To think that if I loved the world, then I would love me too. But I couldn’t make a person smile because I was smiling for them. I learned along this journey that I had to do things from my heart like always, because I wanted to; only this time maybe, just maybe, because I was happy, everyone around me would be too. The world around me changed. Some left it, some wanted more of it, some mocked it, some supported it, and some liked me when they never did before. Some talked about me, some walked along with me. And the some that gave me unconditional support, well they’re the ones that stay with me. I’ll never forget the time a past colleague saw “my big girl picture” and looked at me and actually said, “you looked better as a big girl. I would have liked you then and could have hung out with you. There’s something about big girls that makes them nice, because they don’t get love.” Baffled and bewildered, I couldn’t imagine a time I would ever utter those words or think them to anyone.

Over the past several months, I was able to maintain my weight. I lost a lot of pounds and inches in a short amount of time. So I began adding things to my diet. I got busier and due to my strenuous and vigorous 6 plus hour a day commute, prepping my food was a thing of the past. I took no breaks at work and just ate nothing or a something. I was losing my energy.

A couple weeks ago, I vacationed with my beautiful family. It was supposed to be a relaxing time, and due to my hectic work life, it was a necessity to give my all to a quality vacation with my hubby and boys. But I had no energy. My legs were in agonizing pain, my fatigue got the best of me. I forced myself to move along. I just wanted to sleep. I tried but couldn’t bring that energy I once had. I returned to normal life just like the day I went on vacation, exhausted. I was struck with sadness again, giving my all to everything and everyone. Last weekend, I began to cry, sulking in what was and what has become. Here came the self pity sorrow I rid of a while back. Did I lose my strength?

And then came Sunday night. I was barely eating, no cravings for junk, but so heavy inside. My lifestyle over the past few months crept on me like a body in an ocean. I was getting swept up by the waves pain again, physical and emotional.  I couldn’t fathom for the life of me why I had so many excuses, “I am so tired, I don’t take breaks at work, I’m so busy, I wake up too early, my body aches, and will I ever have energy again”.  My excuses became bigger than my strength.

When Monday came, I prepped, ate, and rid myself of the worry. Lull in energy, I tackled Monday. By Tuesday, I developed a migraine and cold symptoms. I think my body was hit by the keto flu.  By Wednesday, I was smiling. By Thursday and Friday, my energy became infectious at home and work. My colleagues wanted to know my “secret” and my husband said, “I can just tell you’re losing weight”. I asked him how, and he said, “I can just tell”. I caught him gazing at me when I walked past. Then I thought, because of my motivation, energy, and smile, he can just tell. I mean, what was a few pounds of water weight going to do in 4 or 5 days. My face appeared relaxed, I was less bloated, losing inches, but eating my rump off. I was eating clean and rid my body of unwanted sugar. In large ketosis state, I’m on my way.

What I thought a couple years ago about weightloss, I now see it differently. My body detests sugar, my body needs fuel to thrive, and I’m happier than ever. Today, I’m awake at 4 AM on a Saturday, cleaned and ready to begin the adventures of today. I’m feeling incredible and thankful for the sunshine that I found within. Maintaining my weightloss when so many “close” individuals snickered and said “she’ll gain it back” once got to me. I maintained but I can see people gawking at me, thinking and saying, she is done or will revert back. Well I didn’t need negative nancies telling me or thinking, but I let them get to me. I’m back in my own shoes, only now they fit much better. My friends, this girl found her inner sunshine. And no amount of rain can ever flood my zest to be. In tune with my frequency, the sound of my heart has never sounded so good.

Wishing sunny days amidst gloom, a glow in the opaque lives we lead, and that shimmer and shine in your being, find your sunshine.  Never let anyone take your sunshine away.  Ridding myself of the negative toxins of excuses from self and remarks from people is invigorating.

“I know who I am, I know what I believe, and that’s all I need to know.” Will Smith